There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i've created a new STD.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
