i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
