Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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