I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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