whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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