Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
