You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
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