Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
