I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
