i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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