We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
