that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm bleeding and have questions
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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