Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
