Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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