I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
