she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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