My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
