I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
