There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
