Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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