i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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