I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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