sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize
