he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
