I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
