I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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