I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
