Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So many bounce houses so little time
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
