i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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