i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
