just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize