i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm at about main and main street
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
