I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
time to smoke my breakfast
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
