my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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