Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
