get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Sober January is a disaster.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
