we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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