Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
