I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
