I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize