Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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