We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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