my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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