Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
