i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize