So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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