He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
