i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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