Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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