Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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