Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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