There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize