There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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