Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
