I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
