People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
