i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My vagina is officially offended.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
