Sry I called you an 8
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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