whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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