She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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