The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm too high and old for this...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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