Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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